Stupid Cupid

I’ve been one day ahead all week. Monday, I thought it was Tuesday, Tuesday I thought it was Wednesday, and today, I feel like tomorrow should be Friday. I wish the week would catch up with my mind, lol.

Speaking of tomorrow…it’s Valentine’s Day. I think it’s my least favorite holiday, in fact, I know it is. It always seems like just another reminder to the single people of the world, of what they don’t have. I get sick of seeing the commercials, sick of hearing about it, period. I have never had a good, meaningful Valentine’s Day...yeah, and I'm twenty-six years old. I remember the year that JB and I were dating…I spent Valentine’s Eve being creative with his gift, I made him up a gift basket of his favorite things, threw in some special customized coupons I’d thought up, and wrote out one of the most heartfelt cards ever. I didn’t hear from him until around 10pm on Valentine’s Day when I received a call from him saying:

“I got your gift, you want it, or what?”

Yeah…not so much. And need I mention that there never actually was a gift? Not that that's what matters, because I'm one of the least materialistic people you will ever meet, I just like knowing that I'm thought of, it really is the thought that counts, as cliche as that may sound. Anyways, last year wasn’t so bad. Actually it was kind of nice, an internet friend of mine drove up from Atlanta and took me to dinner and a movie. It was a little awkward because we hadn’t met previously. It wasn’t a romantic type connection, but, it was nice to have gotten to meet him after so many years and also to have someone to chill with on the dreaded holiday. This year, I’m not all bugged out by it, I’m just like ‘eh, whatever’, I’m gonna have Ladies Night with the girls, and call it a day, that’s ALWAYS guaranteed fun. So, I’ve spoken my piece on that.

Oh wait, I almost forgot. A couple months after MP (the ex-factor) and I broke up, I was still all tore up about it...I wrote him a letter and sealed it in an envelope. I told myself that if I still felt the same way 6 months from that day (which would be THIS month), then I'd give him the letter on Valentine's Day. Now, the feelings I felt, and everything I wrote, was real...he is the one guy that I can say I actually fell IN love with. However, as much, much time has passed, I've come to realize that just because you love someone, doesn't mean you can/should be with them. At any rate, since he'll never see the contents of that letter and since I promised to be candid when I created this blogsite, I'm going to share the actual letter with you (*save for changing some names):

Happier Times

Dear M,

I'm not sure what this letter is for, righteously, I'm not sure it's even for/to you. I think I'm just writing because sometimes it's just good to get things out on paper. You can't visualize feelings, but you can visualize words, and maybe that's the purpose of this letter (if you can call it a letter). Let's see. I'd say it's been roughly two months or so since things went sour between the two of us.

At first, I was just disappointed and felt rejected. Then I think I felt a bit desperate and hurt, and I continued to reach out to you, in vain. Then I think I was depressed, because I was confused by the whole turn of events and therefore questioned my own self-worth. It got pretty bad, like, yeah, bad. I became pretty despondent & engaged in some pretty self-destructive behavior, and I didn't care. Everywhere I went, everything I did, there was something relevant to some memory of you, or, just you in general. I'd meet people, and then find out that they were somehow connected to you. It got to a point where I was seeing *Amy (his ex-wife) out every weekend, or I was seeing your car somewhere, and it just sucked for a while. But, eventually, things got a little easier and I kind of fell back into my old routine.

Dating kind of helped, but, that said, not a single day has gone by that I haven't thought of you. And then I found out about the whole *Brittany situation, and I've gotta tell you, I was (pulling out your favorite word) F*CKING pissed. Oh my gosh, you just don't know. I'm actually still pissed about that. Not so much that you found someone else to screw (date, whatever), not even so much that that 'someone else' was *Brittany, but, mainly because I specifically asked you about an attraction to her, and you lied. "Pssh, what?!? No, she's got nothing on you, I assure you…. you have nothing to worry about…and plus, I'd never do that to *Brian (his best friend, who was dating *Brittany)." Talk about eating one's words. So yeah, it just sucked finding out the REAL reason behind everything, instead of you just telling the truth. My initial thought was, revenge. And while I am extremely creative, I'm not the vindictive type at all. I did, however, fully intend to curse you the hell out, upon first sight. And it so happened that I got that opportunity last week. Unfortunately, I was completely & utterly trashed, with a capital T. So, when I saw you, I couldn't think quick enough to lay it on you. Instead, I continued w/what I was doing, and tried blocking you out. The whole while though? My heart was in my throat. Or, stomach. Not sure which one. And it's really, like, frustrating and confusing. Because I am positive that as I sit and ponder over what was, and what could have been…you've gone on since that day two (almost three) months ago without a second thought about me. That's what's frustrating. Knowing that I've got these feelings for someone that has lost all interest in me being with me, is less than thrilling, to say the least. And confusing, is WHY? Why DO I have an interest in you? What did you do that was so great? You were nice, yes. But you're not the nicest. Very attractive. But not the most attractive, etc. So, why? I still don't know. What I do know, is how I felt when we were together. No matter what we were doing…whether it was watching tv, eating, swimming, kissing, laying in bed together, or sitting in silence…no matter who was around, whether it was *Evan, *Brian, *Brittany, your neighbors, your parents, *Sammy (his dog) or just the two of us…didn't even matter where we were, I always felt I was where I needed to be. I felt completely comfortable. Not in the sense that "oh my God, we belong together, we have to be in some sort of super serious exclusive relationship," but in the sense of "I like you a lot, you make me happy, let's go with it." I've never ever been hung up on a guy like I have been with you. It's so much easier to have the "two tears in a bucket, and fuck it," kind of attitude. And yet, tried as I may have, I have still been unsuccessful, even now. Two/three months after the fact, plus finding out about *Brittany. As disgusted and appalled at that as I was. Even after reflecting over the alcohol thing, I'm still not over it. Don't get me wrong, it's not nearly as consuming as it was before…hell, it's not even so much 'consuming' as it is 'consistent.' It kind of reminds me of this song called "Do You"…it goes like this:

Maybe this decision was a mistake
Probably don't care what I have to say
But it's been heavy on my mind for months now
Guess I'm tryna clear some mental space
I would love to talk to you in person
But I understand why that can't be
I'll leave you alone for good, I promise
If you answer this one question for me
*I just won-der
Do you e-ver
Think of me…
...Any-mooore…
...Do you…

One thing I will not wonder, is if I was completely honest w/you, and foremost, myself. I've come to the conclusion, M[ ] P[ ], that I am in love with you. There, I said it. I don't know the first thing about love, what it's supposed to be/feel like, hell, I've told myself that I don't believe in love (not the romantic kind anyhow), but…I know that I've got this indescribable feeling for you, that I've never had for anyone else I've ever dated (and I've had much longer-lasting relationships than the one we had). So, I guess that's it. What's my point? I'm still not sure. I think I'll fold this letter & seal it in an envelope. Six months from now, if I still feel the same way, then I will know it's not just some fleeting feeling, or because I'm just on the receiving end of being 'let go.' So, if you're reading this letter, then it's true, I love you. That's probably one of the scariest things I've ever said/admitted (and I didn't even have to say it out loud). And in admitting this to you, I'm hoping you're not like "Ohhh my gawd, it's been umpteen months, and this girl is STILL jockin', what a psycho." Because that is precisely what I've thought about in the past about some of my exes that were still calling and asking to get back together, months, even years after the fact. But now, I understand, I think. Please believe, I'm not psycho, I'm not super desperate, I'm honestly not even asking to get back together w/you (or see you, or even talk to you). I guess I just feel that if I feel it then, you should know it. Life is extremely short and unexpected. I don't like to LIVE with (and certainly don't want to die with) regrets, and not telling someone I feel that I'm in love with, that I'm in love with them, is not going to be one of my regrets. So that's it M, this is more for me, than it is for you, no response is necessary…just having you know, is enough.

Sincerely,

RSM

Yeah...so, pretty heavy, eh? Talk about bearing one's soul. I'm definitely glad I made the decision to wait six months, as opposed to giving it to him then.

Anyways, enough about that.

The stupid condo lady did not call me the other day…I’m gonna call her today, because I reaaaally wanna see it! If that doesn’t pan out, there’s a couple of places I have in mind. I’m just ready to have my own space. I love living at home, don’t get me wrong…my mom is the one ‘best-friend’ that I know I can always count on and always has my best interest at heart . . .and we get along fine, we don’t fuss or fight or argue (well, if we do, it’s very very rare), so it’s not like I’m in a bad situation, but, it’s just something about having your own that's a lot different than living at home, ya know?

In other news, I only have 8 more car payments until my car is paid off (well, I’m gonna try to pay it off in less than that)…do you KNOW how great it is gonna be to have that extra $250/month in my pocket (yeah, $250 for a Cavalier, I definitely got ripped off).

Yes, things are looking up for Robyn in 2008.

On another note. I'm with T-Mobile, right, have been for the past faithful 6 years. Anyone that's known me for half a millisecond knows that I'm ALL about my Tmobile Sidekick...I've had one since the first version...well, all good things must come to an end. I get tired of losing my 'G' here lately, and the fact that after all this time, Danger/Tmo really haven't added much, technology wise...I mean there's an MP3 player now, but, whoopdie doo. I have two separate contracts with Tmo, one which is strictly for my sidekick (no phone plan on that one...I've never wanted to hold that big thing up to my ear), and one for my regular celly. My cell contract was up on the 17th of last month, but the sidekick won't be up until October of this year. I want the I-phone now. So, I will get that to replace my regular celly and I'll also have the sidekick until October, then I'll be eighty-sixin' it and I'll have one device for everything, yaaaay. Look at it, isn't it delightfully wonderful:

I’ve got an idea for my next entry…so, stay tuned, it’ll be less random than my usual entries. As for now, I think I’ve said all I’ve got to say. Peace, love, and hair grease!

P.S. Speaking of deviating away from the norm...if there's anything you want to hear me talk about, or anything you'd like to get my opinion on, feel free to drop me a line, style.substance.swagger@gmail.com and I'll address it in the blog, if it's personal, just lemme know and I'll protect your identity :)

Oh yeah, and for those of you that comment, I just wanna send a special shout-out/thank you to let you know you're certainly appreciated!! Love ya'll!

VIDEO OF THE DAY-Because aside from me, this girl is master of emotion--plus she's got an amazing voice!! She killed this song (especially at the end)!!






RMwaaaaaah

SSS, Out!

|