Slow Motion 4 Me

So...it's been a while, I figured with the mood I'm in, it's an appropriate time to make a comeback.

I dunno, I'm in a really weird place right now. I'm missing the ex-factor again pretty major. And I haven't a clue as to why, or where this came from. I thought I was doing really good. I mean, it's been....10 months since we broke up. That's an ample amount of time for someone to have moved on, don't you think? So, why is it then, that I haven't?

I'm really not even sure what spawned this onslaught of thoughts of him...there wasn't a real trigger, which makes it even more frustrating.

To be honest, I'm not even sure that I miss him so much as I miss the company. I mean, aside from my being at work, we spent every single waking moment together. If I was at work 20% of the time, I was with him the other 80%. After him, I spent a good bit of my time regaining my myself by spending it out drinking. Not healthy, but, hey, it's helped to pass the time. But, even that gets old after a while. And in the aftermath, you're left stuck with yourself again. Stuck with the thoughts of the past. Stuck with the questions that have never been answered. Stuck with the disappointment of having started anything in the first place, and stuck with the regret of having it all come crumbling down around you.

I find myself questioning my own worth. I know that I'm a good catch, I do. But, you hear all these compliments all the time..."you're so pretty"..."you're so smart and talented"..."you're so much fun"...you hear all that, all the time, and you're left wondering why none of that has ever been good enough for anyone. Or, maybe I shouldn't say anyone...maybe instead, I should say, good enough for anyone that I'm interested in. Reciprocity, I long for it. And I think, in vain. I've forever, or at least for as long as I can remember, had this lingering feeling that I'll grow old, and alone. I don't know why I've always felt that way...and, I've had plenty of friends and family try to dispute that fact, but in the end, it's just the way I feel. And, with each failed relationship (though few, they may be), I feel that that destiny is just further being solidified. Maybe I'm wrong, for the love of God, I hope I'm wrong. That's really all I can do, is hope, and of course, pray.

Maybe my day will come, maybe as I imagine, it won't. In the meantime, I'm just trying to figure out what the best way to cope is. I find the solution to my sorrows at the bottom of several glasses of wine, or beer, or whatever shot I'm taking...maybe that's a trait I picked up from my alcoholic ex...but doing that, only creates more problems because it leads me to make decisions under impaired judgement, which undoubtedly only adds fuel to the fire. Filling voids, can only lead to more voids. I deserve more, right? I know I do.

I'm not the type of girl that feels like she needs to be in a relationship in order to be happy, but on the other hand, it's always nice to know that someone enjoys your company without the promise of sex to follow. To be quite honest, I really don't even know if I would want to cruise down Relationship Highway, because it's usually even more of a headache than being alone. But, there are things I miss. I hate being a girl about things, and, before me and the ex-factor began dating, I was in a place where I appreciated my singularity. I was content. And I didn't need anyone...I never planned to let him in at all...it just sort of snuck up on me. HE, just sort of snuck on me. Damn him for that. Damn me for allowing him to sneak up on me like that.

*Sigh*

I suppose I'm done ranting for the moment. I'll get over it, honestly, maybe I'm just pmsing. I'll check back in a week or so with my progress, and then we'll know.

Til then....

SSS, out.

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